


With You I Fall So Fast

by rafaelbaseball



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, Light Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Fluff, self-sabotage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 16:26:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17901530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rafaelbaseball/pseuds/rafaelbaseball
Summary: Rafael self-sabotages when he can't figure out what the hell to do for Valentine's Day. Sonny reminds him of all the reasons he shouldn't.--“I’m always going to want to give you cheesy,” Sonny says. “You deserve cheesy.”“I don’t deserve you.”“Oh, Rafael.” Sonny cups his cheeks, pressing a kiss to his forehead and lets his lips linger for a moment. “You deserve the world. You just haven’t let yourself believe it."





	With You I Fall So Fast

**Author's Note:**

> A belated Valentine's Day piece that I didn't get a chance to finish last week. Better late than never, I hope!

Rafael has been worried about Valentine’s Day since the first of the heart-shaped candy boxes had started hitting shelves in the middle of fucking December. It’d been one of those moments, one of those hard-hitting moments of realization that had nearly stopped him in his tracks in the middle of Target while struggling to get through the holiday crowds: he has no clue how to get through Valentine’s Day while being in a relationship. He’d gone into the store for toilet paper and left with an unsettling weight on his shoulders. 

He’d managed to sweep those concerns aside long enough to forget about them entirely until the two-week countdown had hit. 

“What are you and Carisi planning for Valentine’s Day?” Liv had asked. 

She rarely asks him about his relationship with Sonny but they’d been walking past a storefront decorated with teddy bears and balloons and pink and red streamers so Rafael supposes it’d been a fair enough question. She’d only glared at him for all of two seconds after he’d snapped at her about it before buying his coffee for him at their favorite cart. 

Three days later, Bella had texted him the same thing. After another week, his mother had grilled him for every last detail he hadn’t possessed. 

“I don’t know” hadn’t been satisfactory for either of them and with Valentine’s Day a mere day away now, Rafael is getting restless. He still doesn’t have a gift, not even a card, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it because now he can’t put it off until tomorrow like he’s been doing and the stress of it all has triggered one of the worst migraines he’s had in months. 

“Why wouldn’t you just take him out to dinner?” Carmen asks, handing Rafael a glass of water to so he can wash down the four ibuprofens he’s just popped into his mouth. 

He widens his eyes incredulously at her over the rim of the glass, wincing as he swallows. “That’s not a gift, that’s just a date night,” he says. “Anyway, he already told me he wanted to make me dinner, he’s been excited about it all damn week.”

“You know, some people don’t have anyone happy to make dinner for them on Valentine’s Day.”

“You’re being exceptionally unhelpful right now.”

Carmen purses her lips, ready with a retort on the tip of her tongue before she seems to think better of it. “You have an appointment in twenty.”

“So you’ve got a few minutes to spare for me?” The question is followed by a quick rap on the doorframe. It’s Sonny, his head poking into the office, and Carmen lifts her hands up in surrender. 

“He’s all yours,” she says with an exasperated sigh. “I’ll hold his calls.”

“Thanks, Carmen.” Sonny beams gratefully at her as she passes through the door, waiting until she’s shut it behind her before turning his attention to Rafael. “Hey, you.”

It’s only now that Rafael notices the paper bag in Sonny’s hand and he shifts awkwardly in his chair, busying himself by grabbing his pen and nearest legal pad, scribbling a couple words of nonsense before glancing back up. “Did you need something?”

Sonny hesitates. Rafael feels his stomach do a somersault as guilt courses through him for being so short. 

“I brought you a couple muffins,” Sonny says, shaking the bag then frowning when Rafael only stares back blankly. “I thought maybe you could use something to eat, you didn’t have breakfast.”

True. Rafael had rushed out in fear of being asked any questions about tomorrow. He hadn’t really thought about it until now. 

“You can leave them, I’ll wait until my meeting’s done,” Rafael answers, feigning disinterest, even as his belly seems to rumble on cue. “Thanks for thinking of me.”

“Sure.” Only the crinkling of the paper bag disturbs the silence that falls between them and once he’s set it down, Sonny slips his hands into his pockets and rocks on his heels. “So we’re still on for tomorrow right?”

“Tomorrow. Right.”

“Yeah. Dinner, remember? Just want to make sure you didn’t pick up a big case to work on or anything.”

Rafael drops his pen, pinching the bridge of his nose. The ibuprofen isn’t working, it’s testing his patience and as it turns out, his patience isn’t passing. “You’d have no right to be upset about it if I did do that. Please tell me you know that. Sometimes working to help people does actually trump bullshit Hallmark holidays like Valentine’s Day.”

He doesn’t dare look at Sonny’s face when his own is burning red with embarrassment from his outburst. There’d been no reason for it, Sonny has done absolutely nothing wrong, but Rafael feels like the room is closing in on him because of one day, one fucking day that doesn’t mean much of anything in the bigger picture. He’s set himself up for failure already and therefore, he’s self-sabotaging, which is not an unfamiliar circumstance. 

“Eat your muffins.” Sonny’s voice is soft, calm, nothing like what Rafael had expected. “I’ll see you when I get done tonight.”

“Probably best if you just stay at your place.” The words leave his mouth before Rafael even has much of a chance to rethink them and he wants to kick himself. Stop, stop, but he can’t stop because he can’t bear the disappointment so it’s better to cast it away entirely. “It’s just this migraine, nothing’s helping and I don’t know how long that will last so I probably wouldn’t be very good company anyway.”

“Okay.” No argument. Rafael’s heart sinks a little. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Sure.”

Rafael hears the scuff of shoes against carpet until Sonny stops at the door. 

“Rafael?”

“Hmm?”

“Love you.”

Rafael stills, his voice catching in his throat as he replies, “Yeah, love you, too.”

Sonny leaves. The migraine worsens. 

—

On Valentine’s Day, Rafael wakes up alone.

This doesn’t come as a surprise, he’d specifically told Sonny not to come over but when he checks his phone, there’s not even a text. On mornings spent apart, which come fewer and farther between these days, Rafael usually rises to find a chipper greeting in the form of a lazy, shorthand text with Sonny’s choice of emoji. It’s ridiculously endearing, even if Rafael had refused to admit that for a good long while. 

The unjustified hurt he feels as he clutches his textless phone to his chest now and lets his head sink back against his pillow settles deeply in his chest. He’d screwed this one up, no question, and there’s nobody to blame but himself. His eyes flutter shut and he pictures Sonny’s bright smile, a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates, a teddy bear wearing a t-shirt with some cheesy saying like “I love you bear-y much” on it. This is what he imagines Sonny would have presented to him at the office today, and it would have been humiliating but in the sort of way Rafael would privately love.

He’s been that person, the one who watches while flowers and edible arrangements are delivered to everyone but him. It’s never bothered him, not really, not the way he knows it bothers some people; but there’s always been a nagging sense of curiosity of what it might be like to actually be made to feel special on a day like today.

The thing about it is, Sonny makes a point to make him feel like that all the time. Sometimes it’s in smaller ways, ways he’s not sure Sonny truly realizes matter. Sonny’s the one who always notices when Rafael’s smile isn’t genuine, he’s the one who’s there and ready with a distraction when Rafael needs one, he’s the one who can make Rafael feel safe simply by existing in the same space.

If he’d thrown that all away because he’d overthought fucking Valentine’s Day, Rafael isn’t sure he’ll be able to forgive himself.

His phone pings then and he nearly drops it on his own face in his struggle to look at the alert. Sonny, maybe?

No. Just a calendar reminder. He needs to be at the office for a meeting in an hour and a half. 

The day only drags from there. Around lunchtime, he does get a message from Sonny asking how he’s doing but doesn’t get a reply to his “I’m good.” He’s not. He’s not good, he’s been sick to his stomach all day for fear of losing the best thing that’s ever happened to him and while he’s distantly aware of how dramatic that sounds, it still overwhelms him with worry. 

He could just call. He could just apologize for being an ass. These are two very simple things he could check off his to-do list, but Rafael can’t bring himself to do it. He can’t even call it pride, it’s simply a distinct lack of courage. He’s afraid Sonny won’t forgive him because as patient as Sonny has been with him, everyone draws a line somewhere. Better to let it ride than test the limits.

It isn’t until he’s packing his briefcase to head back home that Carmen makes a comment.

“Detective Carisi must have something really special planned if he didn’t come by all day.” It’s conversational, casual, something she says because it’s the end of the work day and under any other circumstances, it would be a harmless comment.

Under this circumstance, though, it makes Rafael’s shoulders tense. He purses his lips, snapping the briefcase lid shut before aggressively shrugging on his jacket. “I really couldn’t tell you,” he says. His tone is defensive, it makes Carmen’s brows lift, but she gets the hint.

“Have a nice night, Mr. Barba,” she says, offering a small smile then turning for the door.

Rafael sighs as he watches her leave, tempted to call out to her, to spill his thoughts to her because he needs to talk about it with someone other than his reflection in the mirror, but he lets her go. It’s not her problem. It’s nobody’s problem, it shouldn’t be a problem. This one’s on him and it will stay with him, just like everything else he keeps tucked away in the back of his mind. 

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow, Sonny will forgive him. 

He decides to walk the thirteen blocks home. Once he hits block four, he changes his mind and calls an Uber to take him the rest of the way because yes, he’s feeling introspective but not enough to punish himself like this. He stares at his text thread with Sonny for almost the entire drive, this thumbs hovering over the keyboard, yet again tempted to write out a message begging Sonny to come over; but then the car stops and the temptation passes. 

It’s six o’clock. Sonny would have been over by now to make them that Valentine’s Dinner. Rafael has to stare up at the ceiling to blink away the hot tears welling in his eyes as he rides up the elevator with someone who lives on the floor above him.

He doesn’t even notice the light streaming out from the crack beneath the door as he slips his key into the lock. When he pushes the door open, he stops short in the hall, his eyes widening at what he finds in front of him.

There’s a bouquet of red roses in a vase beside a red candle burning in the middle of the dining table, set between two plates with accompanying silverware. An enormous pan of lasagna has been placed on one end of the table, along with a plate of garlic bread and a bowl of mashed potatoes. The food smells heavenly, Rafael doesn’t know how he’d missed it approaching the apartment, but he forgets about the meal entirely when his gaze travels up to meet Sonny’s. 

“You’re late,” Sonny says, glancing at his watch. “I was hoping I’d get to put you to work in the kitchen with me.”

Rafael swallows hard, kicking the door shut behind him then taking a few hesitant steps closer. “I didn’t think you were still coming. I haven’t heard from you all day.”

Sonny hums, crossing his arms over his chest as he briefly ducks his head then looks back up, looking a little sheepish. “It seemed like you needed some space. Probably should have thought that one through, I’m sorry.”

“No!” Rafael shakes his head, dropping his briefcase next to the coat rack. “No, you have nothing to apologize for, nothing at all. I know I’ve been an ass the past few days.”

“A little bit, yeah. To be honest, I did think about saving this for another day.”

Rafael feels a twinge of disappointment but ignores it. “What made you change your mind?”  
“I flipped a coin.”

“You…” Rafael holds a finger up then lifts both hands to rub at his temples. “You flipped a coin. Seriously? Please tell me that’s a joke.”

Sonny’s smile is almost smug, it’s infuriating, Rafael almost chews him out for it but manages to convince himself not to make this worse when Sonny is obviously trying to make it better. “Not a joke. Heads, I walk up the stairs, set this all up and wait for you to get home.”

“Okay.” Rafael drops his hand back to his sides, shrugging, a little bit afraid to ask his next question. “What was tails?”

Sonny sighs, closing the gap between them in a few short strides, resting his hands on Rafael’s hips. “Tails, I run.”

Rafael blinks. That’s not the answer he’d expected and he doesn’t quite know how to process it now that he has it. His mouth opens and closes, he feels foolish, like he resembles a fish straining for life. That’s just about how he’s felt all day, really, hanging by a thread just to find a way to cling to the one person in his life who has yet to disappoint him. Of all the people who’ve passed in and out of his life, Sonny Carisi has become one of the very few willing to stick it out, to roll with Rafael’s mood swings and accept any petty criticism with a patient nod and dimpled smile. 

“Oh.” He shifts on his feet, eyes flickering between his shoes and Sonny’s expectant gaze. “Which side won?”

“Heads,” Sonny answers. He tilts his head, studying Rafael closely. “But I ran anyway.”

“Cheesy,” Rafael says, but he can’t help his pleased smile. He doesn’t resist when Sonny leans in to kiss him, humming contentedly when Sonny’s lips linger then press against his cheek then along the line of his jaw. 

“I’m always going to want to give you cheesy,” Sonny says. “You deserve cheesy.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Oh, Rafael.” Sonny cups his cheeks, pressing a kiss to his forehead and lets his lips linger for a moment. “You deserve the world. You just haven’t let yourself believe it. If you let me, I’ll keep trying to change that.”

“But…” Rafael bites down on his lip, his brow creasing. “But I didn’t do anything for you. I didn’t get you anything.”

Sonny shushes him, tracing the curve of Rafael’s jaw. “Sit with me. Eat before the food gets too cold and pretend you love it even if you don’t. Tell me you love me, go to bed with me, let me show you I love you, too. That’s all I need, Raf, I just want to be here with you.”

“I do love you,” Rafael says, letting out a soft, breathless laugh before pressing a kiss to Sonny’s lips. “I love you so much.”

Sonny smiles, nudging his nose against Rafael’s. “I know you do. Happy Valentine’s Day, Rafael.”

**Author's Note:**

> Side note: The "heads or tails" line is inspired from an episode of Cheers. Barisi exists everywhere.


End file.
